Disclaimer: I majored in Anthropology. This post is not about Darwin's theory of Natural Selection, although part of what got me thinking about the nature of humanity is inspired by my undergraduate studies. If you stumbled upon this by accident, please feel free to read on anyway.
For many of us followers of Jesus, this is a time of year when we think about the significance of Jesus' three years of ministry. Easter is coming up, and soon we'll be thinking about his death and resurrection, but right now we're thinking about the path that led up to that point. For three years, Jesus traveled around speaking, mostly getting the attention of the poor – the suffering class – by healing people. The fact that Jesus could heal people of fatal diseases, blindness, severe handicaps, even death in three cases made him well-known. Even before he would get to a town, hoards of people would gather in anticipation. Whether you believe Jesus was God in human form or not, think for a minute what it says about the character of God if God wanted to come to Earth just to spend time with the poorest, the sickest, the most despised people.
Now, let's take a look at human character in comparison. Throughout humankind's existence, we have developed this habit of competition that many have referred to as “survival of the fittest”. We compete to be the best so that we can ensure not only our own success, but the success of our descendants. It is in our nature to try to outdo one another, to be the best at...fill in the blank for yourself – at making money, being physically fit, attracting a mate of a higher status than ourselves, being good at sports, holding impressive titles and degrees. Even the most kind of human beings, have moments where they (we) feel superior for being more generous, more kind, more empathetic. (For me, one silly one is whistling. I'm an incredible whistler. I can whistle you under the table.) We all try to be better at something, at least one thing, than anyone else. And society has taught us that everyone will have at least one thing that they're are really awesome at that we can use to feel superior to those around us.
The reason that we are so attracted to this idea of being “better” at something than someone else is because we know ourselves completely. We know the most wretched parts of our own hearts, the worst things that we have done to others, the times we have made rational excuses for ignoring the starving, sick, imprisoned and despised among us when we should have been there for them instead of going to happy hour. We know how we've overlooked injustice in our neighborhoods and on other continents, making excuses for why someone else is called to respond. But the most effective way that we deal with our disappointment in ourselves for a lack of response to the needs of others is by making ourselves feel better by comparison. At least, I've done more than so and so. At least, I'm a better person than they are.
We feel comfortable competing and ranking ourselves against other people. It is in our nature to lift ourselves up, and this is why people hated Jesus enough to want him executed. Jesus turned the ranking system completely upside down. “The first will become last and the last will become first,” he said. The religious elite will be condemned. The homeless will be invited to dinner while the upper class are too good to even return the invite. And Jesus prefers to hang out with the sinner who beats his chest, crying out for forgiveness, because at least that guy's being honest with himself.
How many times this week have you tried to be good enough and been completely disappointed with the results? Or, what might be even harder to admit, how many times this week have you patted yourself on the back and sung your own praises? If I'm being completely honest, I definitely do both regularly. If you're anything like me, you swing like a pendulum between feeling unworthy on one extreme, to building up the good parts in order to forget the bad. Thankfully, God completely changed the system of evaluation with the life of Jesus.
Read it here in Ephesians 2: 1-10 (New International Version):
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
It is in our nature to compete. As a species, competition is what we know. It is how we have survived. Because of that, competition is engrained in the way that we think. We have taken competition a step further, allowing it to distract us from our own selfishness. But God, through Jesus, not only made competition unnecessary, but set up a new system where we must acknowledge that goodness, love and generosity are God given gifts that we are privileged to exercise “so that no one may boast”. There is no one alive who will live well enough to be good on their own terms, and those who claim to be are lying to themselves.
It is through God's foolishly, over-the-top compassion that we will be fulfilled and eventually renew this Earth. When we humble ourselves enough to recognize our own inadequacies, we are made whole, and we become active parts in the healing those around us, even in miraculous circumstances. We experience that miraculous healing ourselves – inside and out just by being honest with ourselves and looking to God. So, the challenge is to resist the temptation to compete and instead boast in healing, the love, and the compassion of God that renders competition useless. As Desmond Tutu put it, “[like] when you sit in front of a fire in winter — you are just there in front of the fire. You don't have to be smart or anything. The fire warms you.”
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Don't Forget that Love
I had the most amazing spring break in Mexico, due to some really incredible companions. In just one week, we created so many memories at Rocky Point that continued on to a spontaneous trip to Flagstaff and Sedona.
My favorite memory from the trip, though, was an hour a spent on the beach during sunrise on the second day. I was hopping along the black rocks of the "Rocky Point" beach, admiring all the the sharp rocks, the dips, and the flatter areas. I spotted one flatter rock a bit higher than the rest near the edge of the water and thought, "this would be the perfect place to sit and watch the tide come in." You may call me crazy (or more likely neurotic), but I swear that I heard God tell me that God made that little sitting area thousands of years ago because God knew I would sit there that day. I know how that sounds, and maybe you do not believe me. I heard it and stood there shocked at the idea. I pictured that rock underwater thousands of years prior with fish swimming above, slowing eroded and chiseled into the perfect perch.
I stayed for an hour focusing on different aspects for 10 minutes at a time:
1. The waves, and specifically trying to watch the tide get closer wave by wave. The spot was indeed perfect for sitting as the tide came closer. I figured I could sit there to watch the water the tide began to rise to the level of the rock.
2. All of the small crevices, nooks and crannies in the rocks. I though about God making every indention intentionally. This plant can grow in here. This tiny fish can hide from a predator in this hole. I thought about the joy and care God had taken in such a small space, then tried to realize that amount of detail across all the land, under the sea and in all the space in between.
3. Then, I watched the sun's rays as they moved with the passing time, and as those tiny holes in the rocks were filled with light. Shadows moved and evaporated with the motion of the Earth - what seemed to me to be the motion of the Sun.
4. I watched the sun's rays as they illuminated the translucent sea life. The golden brown orbs appeared stick and to delight in capturing the light and holding it close.
5. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my attention on the sound of the waves retracting and shuffling back and forth. As the water smashed into the rocks lightly, thousands of bubbles were created (probably from the oxygen caught in all those tiny crevices). I noticed a light bubbling noise, subtle at first and then amplifying around me as I realized I could hear every one of those tiny bubbles eviscerating as the wave sank backwards. Now, the sound of thousands of bubbles popping was happening before, but now the sound I had not even noticed before pounded in my head and upon my chest.
6. I pressed my hands against the rocks around me. Small gravel from the black rock pressed and stuck into my palm as I pulled lifted it back up. The golden plants from before indeed felt sticky and slick with a thin surface that seemed as if it could be deflated as easily as a bubble of chewing gum. This plant looked and felt vulnerable, though the creature had endured the beating of the waves, and could balance life above and below sea level. I dipped one finger into a warmer pool of water where the plant sat half immersed.
I bent down to rub my hands across the surface of the rocks, but quickly stood up with a rushing sense of embarrassment at the thought that someone might be watching my interaction from the shore. It is a rare thing that we stop to enjoy the same space, to really take in and react to the change that in occurs in just one spot. In fact, some would even call that kind of earthly (or for me spiritual) intimacy crazy. We should appreciate the details woven into the smallest of spaces, in even the most "mundane" spaces.
Life giving intimacy and love can be found in the smallest cracks and overlooked places. Don't forget that great love found sometimes in the smallest of places.
"Light, glorious light
I will go where You shine
Break the dawn, crack the skies
Make the wave right before me
In Your light I will find
All I need, all I need is You"
-All Sons & Daughters
My favorite memory from the trip, though, was an hour a spent on the beach during sunrise on the second day. I was hopping along the black rocks of the "Rocky Point" beach, admiring all the the sharp rocks, the dips, and the flatter areas. I spotted one flatter rock a bit higher than the rest near the edge of the water and thought, "this would be the perfect place to sit and watch the tide come in." You may call me crazy (or more likely neurotic), but I swear that I heard God tell me that God made that little sitting area thousands of years ago because God knew I would sit there that day. I know how that sounds, and maybe you do not believe me. I heard it and stood there shocked at the idea. I pictured that rock underwater thousands of years prior with fish swimming above, slowing eroded and chiseled into the perfect perch.
I stayed for an hour focusing on different aspects for 10 minutes at a time:
1. The waves, and specifically trying to watch the tide get closer wave by wave. The spot was indeed perfect for sitting as the tide came closer. I figured I could sit there to watch the water the tide began to rise to the level of the rock.
2. All of the small crevices, nooks and crannies in the rocks. I though about God making every indention intentionally. This plant can grow in here. This tiny fish can hide from a predator in this hole. I thought about the joy and care God had taken in such a small space, then tried to realize that amount of detail across all the land, under the sea and in all the space in between.
3. Then, I watched the sun's rays as they moved with the passing time, and as those tiny holes in the rocks were filled with light. Shadows moved and evaporated with the motion of the Earth - what seemed to me to be the motion of the Sun.
4. I watched the sun's rays as they illuminated the translucent sea life. The golden brown orbs appeared stick and to delight in capturing the light and holding it close.
5. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my attention on the sound of the waves retracting and shuffling back and forth. As the water smashed into the rocks lightly, thousands of bubbles were created (probably from the oxygen caught in all those tiny crevices). I noticed a light bubbling noise, subtle at first and then amplifying around me as I realized I could hear every one of those tiny bubbles eviscerating as the wave sank backwards. Now, the sound of thousands of bubbles popping was happening before, but now the sound I had not even noticed before pounded in my head and upon my chest.
6. I pressed my hands against the rocks around me. Small gravel from the black rock pressed and stuck into my palm as I pulled lifted it back up. The golden plants from before indeed felt sticky and slick with a thin surface that seemed as if it could be deflated as easily as a bubble of chewing gum. This plant looked and felt vulnerable, though the creature had endured the beating of the waves, and could balance life above and below sea level. I dipped one finger into a warmer pool of water where the plant sat half immersed.
I bent down to rub my hands across the surface of the rocks, but quickly stood up with a rushing sense of embarrassment at the thought that someone might be watching my interaction from the shore. It is a rare thing that we stop to enjoy the same space, to really take in and react to the change that in occurs in just one spot. In fact, some would even call that kind of earthly (or for me spiritual) intimacy crazy. We should appreciate the details woven into the smallest of spaces, in even the most "mundane" spaces.
Life giving intimacy and love can be found in the smallest cracks and overlooked places. Don't forget that great love found sometimes in the smallest of places.
"Light, glorious light
I will go where You shine
Break the dawn, crack the skies
Make the wave right before me
In Your light I will find
All I need, all I need is You"
-All Sons & Daughters
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Citation
The last couple of weeks have been challenging (in a productive way) at work. The whole experience has had me thinking about when it is that we choose to and forgot to acknowledge the people around us who help us get through our struggles. For as many times as my parents and family members have been there for me over the years, I rarely take the time to thank them for their encouragement, financial and emotional support...and even their patience with my character defects. In college and in the Peace Corps, so many dear friends cared for me through finals, break-ups, food-born illness, depression, when I was broke, scrubbing toilets with a bag of coins to eat on. At the age of 27, I'm still completely dependent on work colleagues and good friends who hold me accountable and share their knowledge to make sure I can do more than I could on my own. I haven't expressed my gratitude for the help that I've received over the years. Thank you all.
I've gotten complimented lately on being good-hearted, and I can't help but feel that I'm not giving credit properly. Every time, I shake my head inside, because I know better. I have a list at least 100 things long of what I do wrong on a regular basis:
1. Lazy
2. Disorganized
3. Critical - especially of family
4. Over-indulgent
5. Procrastinator
6. Fixed mindset
7. Slowest grader ever
8. Easily frustrated at my students/quick to anger
9. Forgetful
10. Self-centered
11. Often thinking about the past or the future more than in the present
...This is just naming a few. And we all have our own list. We hide it if we can, and let the good shine through.
I struggle to be honest about my struggle.
Most days, I'd rather keep that internal wrestling match a secret. It's better if I come out looking good at the end of the day. But the honest truth is that every good thing that I do, say, think - even the way that I choose to forgive and love people - I have learned from my experience of a God who has loved me with every flaw, not despite them. My friend Karissa recently said that God doesn't just love us and overlook our flaws, but says to us, "I'm so in love with you that I don't even see them. I didn't even notice because I was too distracted by how in love with you I am."
One day, I hope we all love one another with that kind of love.
This verse is over-quoted for a reason. It says it so perfectly.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I've gotten complimented lately on being good-hearted, and I can't help but feel that I'm not giving credit properly. Every time, I shake my head inside, because I know better. I have a list at least 100 things long of what I do wrong on a regular basis:
1. Lazy
2. Disorganized
3. Critical - especially of family
4. Over-indulgent
5. Procrastinator
6. Fixed mindset
7. Slowest grader ever
8. Easily frustrated at my students/quick to anger
9. Forgetful
10. Self-centered
11. Often thinking about the past or the future more than in the present
...This is just naming a few. And we all have our own list. We hide it if we can, and let the good shine through.
I struggle to be honest about my struggle.
Most days, I'd rather keep that internal wrestling match a secret. It's better if I come out looking good at the end of the day. But the honest truth is that every good thing that I do, say, think - even the way that I choose to forgive and love people - I have learned from my experience of a God who has loved me with every flaw, not despite them. My friend Karissa recently said that God doesn't just love us and overlook our flaws, but says to us, "I'm so in love with you that I don't even see them. I didn't even notice because I was too distracted by how in love with you I am."
One day, I hope we all love one another with that kind of love.
This verse is over-quoted for a reason. It says it so perfectly.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Friday, January 10, 2014
Transition into Teach For America
I haven't updated this blog in over a year. I've had the best of intentions, but every time it comes to mind I push away the thought. Recently, I've been reflecting more on my Peace Corps service. I went back to my blog today and read my last post. I had forgotten what a devastated state I was in when I wrote that last post. I had worked so hard on my final projects and the community's next to last response left me broken. Then two weeks later, I returned to Corral de Arena for a final goodbye along with my mom and sister. The entire community came out for the party and it was healing to see so many people that I loved.
A year and three months later, I look back on the experience quite differently. I think less about all of the times I cried, wanted to curl up and just have someone carry me home. What I remember is my last days in site with my entire community showing up to say goodbye, eating cabrito con menestra (goat and beans with rice) and dancing always with one of my students running to hold my hand. I remember my host mom crying as she hugged me and asking me for forgiveness for the two years of judgement and biting words. All of the hardship and painful moments along with the euphoric experiences have over time molded together into this precious, invaluable part of me that I hold close to my heart.
This year, I joined Teach for America - a non-profit in the United States that sends Corps members to work in low-income communities for two years. I live and work on the border of two small towns, Avondale and Goodyear, southwest of Phoenix, Arizona. After Peace Corps, this has been a luxurious living arrangement. I have a toilet, running water, INTERNET!! The transition as a whole hasn't been perfect. Peace Corps was much more laid back. In Peace Corps, I made my own schedule and decided exactly how I would spend my time. With teaching, I don't have as much freedom with the content that I teach, whereas in Peace Corps I taught community leadership skills, sexual education, self-esteem, debate, the history of hip hop, and environmental education. Although, I have to admit, being a high school math teacher is a whole lot more fun than I would have expected. We play lots of games on small dry-erase boards. The classroom is much different for these students than it was for us - for better or worse. "You're supposed to entertain us!" was once shouted at me. "I'm not a comedian. I'm a math teacher."
After 8 months of living here, the roots are beginning to take hold and new fruit is beginning to emerge. The learning curve is very steep - how to make rules and get people to actually follow them, getting students excited to work (or at least work anyway), grading, tutoring, learning how to do math so that I can teach it. Here are a few things that I have learned:
1. I am quick to beat myself up, listing all of the "you should have's" and "what if's..." and compare myself to others.
2. I can love students with all of my heart and soul, but that does not guarantee they will love themselves or care about my class.
3. There are 10th graders who do not know 2 times 3 by memory. They count this on their fingers.
4. Some students would subsist on learning new things if their bodies could function that way. Others, would rather drop out and be a street sweeper. #grandmasterflash
5. Teenagers look like adults, act like children and are more complicated than any of the math concepts we'll cover in class.
6. If someone looks at their crotch and laughs, they're texting.
7. More kids will come to tutoring if you're willing to dance and give them candy.
8. Pencils will not be returned.
9. Bring a healthy lunch or buy bigger pants.
10. More students come from broken homes and go without food than I anticipated. Most students will not open up about these problems to many people.
11. Paraprofessionals are da-bomb.com. (These are class helpers who are experts at working with students with learning disabilities.)
12. Being silly is a necessary ingredient to a good day. Funny glasses. Catch phrases (Oh, Snap!). Singing. Robot voice. Faces. Shouting.
13. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Detox. A little more coffee.
14. Bring what you care about with you to the classroom. Be yourself.
15. Don't just teach your subject. Teach them what it means to be a human being whose heart breaks for those who suffer around the world and ache for an end world hunger, poverty and injustice.
A year and three months later, I look back on the experience quite differently. I think less about all of the times I cried, wanted to curl up and just have someone carry me home. What I remember is my last days in site with my entire community showing up to say goodbye, eating cabrito con menestra (goat and beans with rice) and dancing always with one of my students running to hold my hand. I remember my host mom crying as she hugged me and asking me for forgiveness for the two years of judgement and biting words. All of the hardship and painful moments along with the euphoric experiences have over time molded together into this precious, invaluable part of me that I hold close to my heart.
This year, I joined Teach for America - a non-profit in the United States that sends Corps members to work in low-income communities for two years. I live and work on the border of two small towns, Avondale and Goodyear, southwest of Phoenix, Arizona. After Peace Corps, this has been a luxurious living arrangement. I have a toilet, running water, INTERNET!! The transition as a whole hasn't been perfect. Peace Corps was much more laid back. In Peace Corps, I made my own schedule and decided exactly how I would spend my time. With teaching, I don't have as much freedom with the content that I teach, whereas in Peace Corps I taught community leadership skills, sexual education, self-esteem, debate, the history of hip hop, and environmental education. Although, I have to admit, being a high school math teacher is a whole lot more fun than I would have expected. We play lots of games on small dry-erase boards. The classroom is much different for these students than it was for us - for better or worse. "You're supposed to entertain us!" was once shouted at me. "I'm not a comedian. I'm a math teacher."
After 8 months of living here, the roots are beginning to take hold and new fruit is beginning to emerge. The learning curve is very steep - how to make rules and get people to actually follow them, getting students excited to work (or at least work anyway), grading, tutoring, learning how to do math so that I can teach it. Here are a few things that I have learned:
1. I am quick to beat myself up, listing all of the "you should have's" and "what if's..." and compare myself to others.
2. I can love students with all of my heart and soul, but that does not guarantee they will love themselves or care about my class.
3. There are 10th graders who do not know 2 times 3 by memory. They count this on their fingers.
4. Some students would subsist on learning new things if their bodies could function that way. Others, would rather drop out and be a street sweeper. #grandmasterflash
5. Teenagers look like adults, act like children and are more complicated than any of the math concepts we'll cover in class.
6. If someone looks at their crotch and laughs, they're texting.
7. More kids will come to tutoring if you're willing to dance and give them candy.
8. Pencils will not be returned.
9. Bring a healthy lunch or buy bigger pants.
10. More students come from broken homes and go without food than I anticipated. Most students will not open up about these problems to many people.
11. Paraprofessionals are da-bomb.com. (These are class helpers who are experts at working with students with learning disabilities.)
12. Being silly is a necessary ingredient to a good day. Funny glasses. Catch phrases (Oh, Snap!). Singing. Robot voice. Faces. Shouting.
13. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Detox. A little more coffee.
14. Bring what you care about with you to the classroom. Be yourself.
15. Don't just teach your subject. Teach them what it means to be a human being whose heart breaks for those who suffer around the world and ache for an end world hunger, poverty and injustice.
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