Unstoppable Wave (One more year of Peace Corps to go.)

This week, Perú 16 is celebrating our one year anniversary of Peace Corps service. That means I have been in my community about 9 months. Thinking about all that I hoped to accomplish by the end of my 2 years is a bit daunting….When will I ever find the time? And where are all those people I thought would be eager to jump into projects with me? Why are most of the people I still consider good friends in Perú actually fellow volunteers rather than Peruvians? There have been a lot of accomplishments in this short time, many of which have to do with working in the school and our two radio programs. But there is this poster in my room with a list of large projects I want to see through that I don´t know how to tackle. And already I can see certain dreams have slipped away.
It is also an interesting place to be, because we volunteers of Perú 16 are getting ready to say goodbye to the group that came a year before us (Perú 14). I am beginning to wonder what I will do for work in a year. At the same time that I need to buckle down and get rolling on bigger projects, I need to begin to figure out what is next. How can I use these two years to find the perfect job back in the States (you know, those kinds of jobs that come with a salary)?
I have dreamed since I was 16 about going to seminary, and that is still very far away. But I am wondering how the heck I would come up with 80 grand to pay for that, not to mention the 30 grand I already have to pay back for the bachelor degree I paid for with student loans. Yikes. And what would my ragamuffin ministry look like anyway? Do I really have anything to offer the Christian community in terms of leadership and a message?
And with all of these questions and possible moments for me to screw up God´s big plan, I keep coming back to this moment I had at the beach in Lima in March. I had just really put myself in a vulnerable position, telling someone that I really, really cared for them. And the feelings at the time weren´t returned. I felt embarrassed for having been so open, hoping I hadn´t ruined a friendship. I was disappointed in myself for not waiting on God´s signal, like I had jumped the gun. I wanted to be so much more disciplined, waiting for some waterfall or sign in the sky first. So I was fretting about having said how I felt. At the same time, I really thought this person was missing out on something that could be beautiful and I didn´t understand why they didn´t see what I saw.
I woke up and went for a run with all of these thoughts rotating within my head. I wanted to run ´til I didn´t feel upset anymore. So I ran from my hostel down the road and down the hill to the beach. Winded and down on myself, I came to this rocky pathway out into the ocean. And I walked out with so many frustrations, disappointments and apologies that I kept expressing intensely in my prayers. ¨I am sorry God. I am sorry for not waiting on You to give me some extravagant signal. I am sorry I am not more disciplined…¨ And at that moment, this wave crashed so incredibly hard against the rocks beside me that it shook and jumbled every thought I had been stressing over. And I heard God say very forcefully to me, ¨you underestimate me¨.
I realized that I was giving myself way too much credit - that I could actually screw up God´s grand plan. And I sat there for a long time just listening to God comfort me, telling it to me over and over again. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. This God that not only made the waves that I couldn´t stop with all my force, if I willed it with all my heart and soul, made every being, this Earth, the Universe. And little Terrace won´t be able to get in the way of that. How comforting that was then, and still is today with all of these uncertainties and pressures.
I´m ready and I´m listening. I am bound to mess something up. But I take comfort in knowing that God will move me and shape me. We´ll mess it up. But we´ve been chosen all the same. God moves and works within us like an unstoppable wave.