Camps of thought on that Jesus dude.

Happy Peruvian Independence Day to everyone reading from the United States. We had a new president installed yesterday. Lisa, Sarah and I got together to celebrate and watch Ollanta make his first speech in office. We ate some popcorn, some paneton (my favorite fruit cake), coffee and cold beer.

We also have been watching the documentary ¨Jesus Camp¨. It´s been a few years since I´ve seen that film, and I forget how much it reminds me of my evangelical childhood. Keep in mind, that our Southern Baptist church was not that crazy, but they did teach us that we are in a spiritual war with the devil, that there is a darkness in people who aren´t Christians. You´re either saved and going to heaven or you´re headed to hell. Christians better tell everyone they know, even if it makes them uncomfortable. Gays are sick, no make that filthy. People who have abortions are murderers. There is a black and white way to look at sin. God does have a clear political party. There are people who have these answers, who have been sensible and humble enough to pick up their cross and follow in the right path. The rest are lost, empty, and don´t realize what they are missing out on.

I used to think all of those things…because I was taught by adults that I respected. Sometimes they were said outright, and other times they were just known by all the members and suggested more subtly. But I remember my arrogance in having known the way, my pity for the lost. Oh, how I feared for their future beyond the grave. I was so afraid of God, afraid of disappointing God, afraid of disappointing my earthly family of God. Fear. Fear. Fear. And still, with all of those terrible memories, those faulty pieces in my logic, I also remember a deep and moving love for God that is more true and good than anything I´ve ever known. When I was 6, there was a short time when our family didn´t go to church. And I remember lining up chairs in our playhouse to make pews for my little sister, Logi, and preaching from one verse in the book of Matthew. I can still remember that overpowering feeling of love and wisdom that was within me even at that age. The Holy Spirit was real and moved with a force that was from far beyond me.

My past with Christianity and the church have been a mixture of these two kinds of feelings: feelings of shame and judgment, and feelings of liberation, love and truth. One of my favorite professors in college told me there are people who have been damaged by their conservative Christian upbringings and leave their faith behind altogether, and then there are those who stick it out and wrestle with their faith, and come out stronger for it. I really believe that, if we really are changed by the story of Jesus, that we become part of the Church in the biggest sense of the word. With all of its current and historical problems, we are made a part to complete one another. We help one another to think and evaluate what we´re really saying, how we´re really living.

And as important church, the community of Jesus lovers, is, I´m seeing that God has given me this time in Perú to heal from those painful experiences that I hold with the church and see ¨non-Christians¨ differently. I think I´ve been taken away from it for awhile to be brought back with a better understanding of who I am and how I can help. More importantly, I´m learning to be a person after God´s own heart, rather than after the heart of Christians. I care so deeply about the approval of certain people that I consider to be very close to God. And I´m seeing that, even when I feel ok with something in my God time, I still ache for the approval of those people.

And somehow, getting me to Perú and far away from my Christian community is giving me the freedom to figure out what I want my life to look like, what I really believe free of judgment. I can´t say that it´s led to any amazing revelation. I have nothing stunning to share with you all. At the moment, what I understand is pretty basic. That is that I don´t have the answers, and all I want to do is be one after God´s own heart. I want to figure out how feed the hungry, clothe the naked, care for the sick, visit the imprisoned. Truth be told, I´m not literally doing any of that, but I think Shane Claiborne was right to say that the point is FINDING A NEED AND FILLING IT. I think it is there that we really find ourselves as part of Christ´s body.