I just took an hour and a half combi ride from Chiclayo to Olmos. The whole time, I kept thinking about my friend Jessie´s baptism she told me about once. It was in a cold, cold river in Montana. She wore jeans of all things. I wondered how cold that must have been. The only reference I have is a river I stepped into in Colorado this summer, and I´m sure that doesn´t compare to Montana. But I remember the feeling very vividly. My mom and brother were wading out to collect fool´s gold with my dad directing their steps. I wanted to join them and they were encouraging me to come in to where the water was at their shins. And I was trying, really trying. But everytime I got in just a bit past ankle level, the pain was unbearable. I felt every muscle tense up with sharp pains. My breaths became rapid and shallow, and pretty soon I would get dizzy. Every piece of my body was screaming to escape to the shore and I couldn´t get out fast enough.
I thought about that feeling and what it would be like to be totally immersed in the painful river. And then I thought about Jessie, wading in to that river in Montana in an expression of her commitment to Christ. It is much more common for me to associate baptism good feelings and warmth rather than pain and coldness. But in our relationship with God, both realities seem to be present, don´t they? We´re attracted to the beauty of our Creator who represents everything that is good, everything that gives us hope that love will win in the end. And people who experience this unreasonable, foolish love that God has for us are never ever the same again.
But I have been praying lately that God will bring me closer to `Em and it feels more like Jesus is taking my hand and leading me into that cold, cold river than to the warm feeling of the love of God. I am reading ¨Divine Nobodies¨ by Jim Palmer. He talks about this reality of getting to know our God. Palmer recounts an experience he had with the International Justice Mission, rescuing child sex slaves - little girls who are drugged, dressed up and forced to have sex with strangers sometimes more than 10 times a day. And he talks about getting to know a God who knows suffering. We have a God who never gets a break from the suffering and injustices of this world. God is ever-present in that cold river, always witnessing the moments that make us sick to our stomach. And we as humans check out, take mental breaks from these horrific realities, because it is just too much. We can´t handle what is a reality for our God. Somehow, God can experience the beautiful moments of our lives simultaneously with the pleas of God´s people that are suffering in ways beyond words.
This is my first week at site (granted it is nothing in comparison to what Jim described), but I still find that every part of me wants to flee, my mind wanting to be anywhere but here. Faced with the daunting task of becoming part of the answer to my own prayers, I just wanna run to shore and escape the cold waters. It is just too painful, and I´m not even knee deep yet. I can tell the young girls that they are important members of their community, but it doesn´t mean their families will send them to university. I can build landfills, but it doesn´t mean people will care about where they dump their trash. And I can work to reforest in the clear-cut areas, but it doesn´t mean that area will look any different in 10 years. On paper, I know what I am here to do, how to begin. Reality is always more complicated, and there are questions that I have about how to begin to really make a difference, wondering how to sort my priorities, how to begin to build relationships.
All the while, my prayers to be closer to God pull me deeper and deeper into the cold water. And thankfully I know I have Jesus to steady my step, to bear the pain with me, to take on the burden. In the next two years, I think I am going to see more and more of the face of God. And I am getting the sense that it will be distressing and heartbreaking than I had imagined. Because to see God is to see a holy response to God´s people who suffer and cry out for help. Please pray for me, that I´ll get in deeper, immerse myself in this experience. I hope the same for all of you reading this post, that you would be pulled in deeper too.
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Hiya sweet niece. Don't be too hard on yourself. I find it overwhelming when I think of all the need for change in the world. Someone once said that "change begins with me." I take that to mean that, during this 24 hour period, I can be the one person who is nice or helpful to someone who needs it. I might also have a chance to teach one person at a time how to be more useful in this world, then they pass it on, paying it forward. I think that's all that God expects of us. If it helps you to do more on a larger scale, that's wonderful and God will give you the tools you need. But there's nothing more spiritual than giving one-on-one.
love, Ilene
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