Holiness in the hands of a dirty sinner.

What better time to write about holiness than while I´m at the Peruvian version of Mardi Gras, right? Holiness has been a topic on my mind lately - not how holy I should try to be, but how very unholy I am, how unholy I will be for the rest of this life. It has always been my heart´s desire to go into ministry. I am forever destined to be in love with God. But I am disappointed in the ways that it doesn´t show in my life. After a year and a half living in Peru, my heart has closed quite a bit. I am numb to the needs and pains of the people around me. I´ve grown skeptical, and untrusting of strangers, avoiding eye contact and feeling inconvenienced when they try to talk to me. And I wonder how I could love God so much and forget God´s people so easily. Then I remember verses that say that I can´t. I cannot love God and forget God´s people.

So, I´m trying to find that seemingly impossible balance between giving more than I´m comfortable and giving all I have (wondering all the while if I´m really supposed to be giving it all, but not really willing). What would it look like if I was walking side by side with Jesus in my dusty town? Who would he have stopped to talked to? What am I missing that is right in front of me?

My summer school classes started a few weeks ago. I was waiting for my high schools kids to show up. We are doing this program a volunteer Sara Lev. and I made up called ¨We Are Super Stars¨. It´s a trash/reforestation/youth development campaign, which includes classes like self-esteem, healthy dating, future planning, abstinence, fidelity and proper condom-use. I was playing some praise music before they showed up, kinda overwhelmed by how many seats were in the classroom. The director had left me a classroom full of too many desks and chairs. I stacked the desks together in the back and lined the sides of the room with all these chairs. I sat with my hands together waiting for the kids to show, looking at all those chairs we just didn´t need. And then this image entered my head of all those chairs being filled by angels who were there eager to see our classes begin. The room was holy. And suddenly, talking about self-esteem, STDs and teen pregnancy became the work of God. I wish every moment was like that - when our mission and us being used as the hand of God was overwhelming and holy. If only every moment felt like we were breaking bread and sharing.

I pray that we all get closer to that feeling of holiness. Honestly, I might always be a mess, making bad choices about what I let in and out of my body. I may always swear like a sailor, do a bad job of managing what I eat and drink, do and think the wrong thing. But, in general, I pray that my desire to respond to the needs around me will overpower my cravings of consumption...and even self-preservation. Sometimes there can be no more dangerous of an excuse to not respond to the needs of others than self-preservation. If we´re going to pray ¨Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done¨, we have to be willing to take risks,to live less for ourselves. And, to tell you the truth, I am really bad about making myself available to people beyond my normal routine. I´ll make time for my high school kids, family and friends. But there is no room for that lady who is just asking me for money ´cause I´m white, or that kid who is too pushy and whiny in selling me a pack of gum, that man who is caked in the filth of a third world street. Even worse is when I give without even looking them in the eye, not even acknowledging them as living human beings who experience pain and love.

Here´s to us pushing past our own selfishness. Here´s to allowing the Spirit to bring the kingdom of God to our hearts and us becoming the helpers who get to bring it to God´s people...and not waiting until we are holy enough to carry out the work of a perfect Creator. Here´s to finding holiness in our dirty hands reaching out to another´s.