I'm looking at only 4 months left until the end of my service. It's that time when we have to, as Peace Corps volunteers, start thinking about what we're going to do after service. What do I want to apply for in terms of jobs? What am I actually qualified for? Where do I want to live? And it's also time to look back at what I've accomplished and what just didn't end up happening for whatever reason. My Iron Man project with Carol is looking good in terms of potentially becoming a Peace Corps Peru program for future volunteers. I really hope that more volunteers and high school students get to benefit from this program. And if I had to pick one thing that I'm leaving as my legacy, this is my baby. But I'm also proud of our radio program "The Ecological Hour" and a few other things like working with the environmental schools network.
But lately, I've felt disconnected from my community. I feel more judged than understood by the adults. And I seem to get more easily frustrated with the students who just aren't into participating. I've been going through a bit of a hard time personally and feel my anxiety building at the potential of having to make conversation. It didn't help that I got dengue from the mosquitoes and was in bed for a week. My small landfill project attracted basically no interest among the adults in my town. (Apparently, a few free trees and reducing the risks of cancer for their family members wasn't an attractive enough reason to dig in tough dirt in the beating Olmos sun for a couple hours.)
Do you ever just have those times when you don't know what you're good at? My friend Katrina, I sorta follow her life in the States from facebook. And she's always taking these amazing photos, or painting something, or refurbishing something ugly, bringing the class. I feel this pressure building to find the thing I'm good at, wondering to myself if we're all actually good at something or if I drew the short stick.
I feel myself get restless thinking about the "should 'ave, could 'aves" of my time here in Peru. And, to be honest, this hasn't exactly been the best week for building up the 'ole self-esteem. (Getting dumped on top of it all just makes me feel like I can't get anything right.) But I feel like this place is an important space to be - that in-between space - just praying that the clarity will come. I can feel God assuring me that it is ok that I just don't really know what to do for a living or this week for that matter. We come from a culture that only accepts the happy face...unless it's a reality show, and then people get to pick and choose what to tune into. Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that it is ok to be a mess, to burst into tears, to not know what to say, to "over-share".
On June 30th, I sang in front of 10,000 people waiting excitedly in front of their houses and in the center of the town of Olmos. We had this car in a float for the parade and this nice guy from the municipality got us "sonido" - that is, huge speakers to blast the entire town with the songs from our environmental radio show. I sang N'SYNC's "Bye, Bye, Bye" with a message about deforestation, The Red Hot Chili Pepper's song "Californication" about desertification and The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" about biodiversity. And it turns out, that my voice isn't as great on those huge speakers as it sounds in our tiny radio studio, or jamming by myself in my room. It really didn't help that I had practically lost my voice the entire week before from being sick. But I sang loud and enthusiastically anyway. I jammed out and it was one of the most incredible experiences to share myself and our songs like that. Annie and Sarita were the queens of the environment and recycling. Both of their paper dresses ripped before the event had ended...Annie's while she was taking a photo with the mayor ripped in the frontal crotch region. But it was one of those moments when we were a wreck, and there was nowhere else we'd rather be.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Out of Touch
I went to pay for my landline phone the other day (yes, those do still exist...at least they do in Peru anyway), and they had cut my line for being 4 days late paying. And then yesterday, a mototaxi driver from my community and his family stole my cellphone I accidentally left in his moto. This same family apparently stole my camera that I left in their moto last year. I went back to them last year and they told me they didn't have the camera. This morning, I told my host brother about the cellphone and he replies, "and they have your camera, too". He's seen them using it at events at the school. My host family doesn't seem angry that they took the camera, but more that I would be stupid enough to lose my camera and cellphone in the moto.
Here in lies the difference: impoverished communities make way for a "finders keepers" way of handling lost goods. You leave your things out or in plain sight alone for a few minutes, and it is free game. The honor system is just plain different here. And my first reaction was ferocious anger with body shakes. Losing both of my means of communication at once along with the large amount of projects and responsibilities I have right now was just about enough for a breakdown.
Then I come in to our (as in the gringo's) local hangout in Olmos to talk to our friend Beto. He listens to me, offers to lend me a phone. He's sitting at his computer watching this inspirational video about passing on good deeds - kinda like the movie "Pay It Forward". I didn't realize that working in Peru would make me so bitter towards Peruvians. And I've come to expect that people are more likely to blow me off instead of contribute to projects, more likely to steal than return something I drop, more likely to see me as a walking dollar bill than a person. Being this cynical and untrusting isn't something I expected from Peace Corps. One volunteer from my group said, "I'm leaving this country more racist than I came in" and, honestly it can be really hard not to pre-judge Peruvians after all we see and go through. For example, I don't even try to start conversations with Peruvian men I don't know anymore, because I know that most will take that as a sign they should hit on me.
But the truth is that the problem isn't that Peruvians are bad people or that poor people of other countries would act differently. The truth is that dishonesty lies at all levels, but perhaps hides in more elegant ways with the rich. Truth be told, the real crime is that a family might have to decide between stealing a camera or not having a means to take photos of their growing children. It set me back 600 soles (about 200 dollars) to buy a replacement camera, but a family of 5-8 survives on about 400 soles a month in my community. Whether I like it or not, I represent the disparity between those who have plenty and those who barely get by.
I recently went to Lima, and it is incredible the difference between areas like Miraflores (the rich part of Lima) and the conditions of other parts of Lima, much less of my community. In Miraflores, I ate foods from all over the world, got a bacon cheeseburger and a mango-pineapple-passionfruit smoothie on the beach in the park of love. People talk about bigger ideas, politics, religion, music, art whereas in my community they don't even talk about what they are eating for lunch because it's just whatever they have that day. They talk about how this guy went to town, and pass the latest gossip. There's no room for bigger ideas when the basics of a healthy life can't even be met. I get frustrated that my little host brother can't remember how to play games, but the bigger problem is that he hasn't received the vegetables and fruits he needs to develop.
This is the struggle of living in a second or third world country and trying to work in development. You see the problems so clearly, and yet the solution is muddy - the causes of each problem are so complex. We as Peace Corps volunteers have to constantly remind ourselves that if development was easy, that there wouldn't be a problem. Greed, wealth disparity, and corruption become relative terms, because they appear in different forms at every level. I hear that the mayor of a small community is pocketing some of the money for a local project, but I also know how much the municipality pays him to support his family and can imagine how his family struggles.
If presented with the opportunity to take that camera back from the family, I wonder if God wouldn't be more upset with me for not just letting it go. I'm a bit out of touch, by I'm betting the "you don't need more than one tunic" Jesus feels the same about cameras.
Here in lies the difference: impoverished communities make way for a "finders keepers" way of handling lost goods. You leave your things out or in plain sight alone for a few minutes, and it is free game. The honor system is just plain different here. And my first reaction was ferocious anger with body shakes. Losing both of my means of communication at once along with the large amount of projects and responsibilities I have right now was just about enough for a breakdown.
Then I come in to our (as in the gringo's) local hangout in Olmos to talk to our friend Beto. He listens to me, offers to lend me a phone. He's sitting at his computer watching this inspirational video about passing on good deeds - kinda like the movie "Pay It Forward". I didn't realize that working in Peru would make me so bitter towards Peruvians. And I've come to expect that people are more likely to blow me off instead of contribute to projects, more likely to steal than return something I drop, more likely to see me as a walking dollar bill than a person. Being this cynical and untrusting isn't something I expected from Peace Corps. One volunteer from my group said, "I'm leaving this country more racist than I came in" and, honestly it can be really hard not to pre-judge Peruvians after all we see and go through. For example, I don't even try to start conversations with Peruvian men I don't know anymore, because I know that most will take that as a sign they should hit on me.
But the truth is that the problem isn't that Peruvians are bad people or that poor people of other countries would act differently. The truth is that dishonesty lies at all levels, but perhaps hides in more elegant ways with the rich. Truth be told, the real crime is that a family might have to decide between stealing a camera or not having a means to take photos of their growing children. It set me back 600 soles (about 200 dollars) to buy a replacement camera, but a family of 5-8 survives on about 400 soles a month in my community. Whether I like it or not, I represent the disparity between those who have plenty and those who barely get by.
I recently went to Lima, and it is incredible the difference between areas like Miraflores (the rich part of Lima) and the conditions of other parts of Lima, much less of my community. In Miraflores, I ate foods from all over the world, got a bacon cheeseburger and a mango-pineapple-passionfruit smoothie on the beach in the park of love. People talk about bigger ideas, politics, religion, music, art whereas in my community they don't even talk about what they are eating for lunch because it's just whatever they have that day. They talk about how this guy went to town, and pass the latest gossip. There's no room for bigger ideas when the basics of a healthy life can't even be met. I get frustrated that my little host brother can't remember how to play games, but the bigger problem is that he hasn't received the vegetables and fruits he needs to develop.
This is the struggle of living in a second or third world country and trying to work in development. You see the problems so clearly, and yet the solution is muddy - the causes of each problem are so complex. We as Peace Corps volunteers have to constantly remind ourselves that if development was easy, that there wouldn't be a problem. Greed, wealth disparity, and corruption become relative terms, because they appear in different forms at every level. I hear that the mayor of a small community is pocketing some of the money for a local project, but I also know how much the municipality pays him to support his family and can imagine how his family struggles.
If presented with the opportunity to take that camera back from the family, I wonder if God wouldn't be more upset with me for not just letting it go. I'm a bit out of touch, by I'm betting the "you don't need more than one tunic" Jesus feels the same about cameras.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Holiness in the hands of a dirty sinner.
What better time to write about holiness than while I´m at the Peruvian version of Mardi Gras, right? Holiness has been a topic on my mind lately - not how holy I should try to be, but how very unholy I am, how unholy I will be for the rest of this life. It has always been my heart´s desire to go into ministry. I am forever destined to be in love with God. But I am disappointed in the ways that it doesn´t show in my life. After a year and a half living in Peru, my heart has closed quite a bit. I am numb to the needs and pains of the people around me. I´ve grown skeptical, and untrusting of strangers, avoiding eye contact and feeling inconvenienced when they try to talk to me. And I wonder how I could love God so much and forget God´s people so easily. Then I remember verses that say that I can´t. I cannot love God and forget God´s people.
So, I´m trying to find that seemingly impossible balance between giving more than I´m comfortable and giving all I have (wondering all the while if I´m really supposed to be giving it all, but not really willing). What would it look like if I was walking side by side with Jesus in my dusty town? Who would he have stopped to talked to? What am I missing that is right in front of me?
My summer school classes started a few weeks ago. I was waiting for my high schools kids to show up. We are doing this program a volunteer Sara Lev. and I made up called ¨We Are Super Stars¨. It´s a trash/reforestation/youth development campaign, which includes classes like self-esteem, healthy dating, future planning, abstinence, fidelity and proper condom-use. I was playing some praise music before they showed up, kinda overwhelmed by how many seats were in the classroom. The director had left me a classroom full of too many desks and chairs. I stacked the desks together in the back and lined the sides of the room with all these chairs. I sat with my hands together waiting for the kids to show, looking at all those chairs we just didn´t need. And then this image entered my head of all those chairs being filled by angels who were there eager to see our classes begin. The room was holy. And suddenly, talking about self-esteem, STDs and teen pregnancy became the work of God. I wish every moment was like that - when our mission and us being used as the hand of God was overwhelming and holy. If only every moment felt like we were breaking bread and sharing.
I pray that we all get closer to that feeling of holiness. Honestly, I might always be a mess, making bad choices about what I let in and out of my body. I may always swear like a sailor, do a bad job of managing what I eat and drink, do and think the wrong thing. But, in general, I pray that my desire to respond to the needs around me will overpower my cravings of consumption...and even self-preservation. Sometimes there can be no more dangerous of an excuse to not respond to the needs of others than self-preservation. If we´re going to pray ¨Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done¨, we have to be willing to take risks,to live less for ourselves. And, to tell you the truth, I am really bad about making myself available to people beyond my normal routine. I´ll make time for my high school kids, family and friends. But there is no room for that lady who is just asking me for money ´cause I´m white, or that kid who is too pushy and whiny in selling me a pack of gum, that man who is caked in the filth of a third world street. Even worse is when I give without even looking them in the eye, not even acknowledging them as living human beings who experience pain and love.
Here´s to us pushing past our own selfishness. Here´s to allowing the Spirit to bring the kingdom of God to our hearts and us becoming the helpers who get to bring it to God´s people...and not waiting until we are holy enough to carry out the work of a perfect Creator. Here´s to finding holiness in our dirty hands reaching out to another´s.
So, I´m trying to find that seemingly impossible balance between giving more than I´m comfortable and giving all I have (wondering all the while if I´m really supposed to be giving it all, but not really willing). What would it look like if I was walking side by side with Jesus in my dusty town? Who would he have stopped to talked to? What am I missing that is right in front of me?
My summer school classes started a few weeks ago. I was waiting for my high schools kids to show up. We are doing this program a volunteer Sara Lev. and I made up called ¨We Are Super Stars¨. It´s a trash/reforestation/youth development campaign, which includes classes like self-esteem, healthy dating, future planning, abstinence, fidelity and proper condom-use. I was playing some praise music before they showed up, kinda overwhelmed by how many seats were in the classroom. The director had left me a classroom full of too many desks and chairs. I stacked the desks together in the back and lined the sides of the room with all these chairs. I sat with my hands together waiting for the kids to show, looking at all those chairs we just didn´t need. And then this image entered my head of all those chairs being filled by angels who were there eager to see our classes begin. The room was holy. And suddenly, talking about self-esteem, STDs and teen pregnancy became the work of God. I wish every moment was like that - when our mission and us being used as the hand of God was overwhelming and holy. If only every moment felt like we were breaking bread and sharing.
I pray that we all get closer to that feeling of holiness. Honestly, I might always be a mess, making bad choices about what I let in and out of my body. I may always swear like a sailor, do a bad job of managing what I eat and drink, do and think the wrong thing. But, in general, I pray that my desire to respond to the needs around me will overpower my cravings of consumption...and even self-preservation. Sometimes there can be no more dangerous of an excuse to not respond to the needs of others than self-preservation. If we´re going to pray ¨Your Kingdom Come, Your Will Be Done¨, we have to be willing to take risks,to live less for ourselves. And, to tell you the truth, I am really bad about making myself available to people beyond my normal routine. I´ll make time for my high school kids, family and friends. But there is no room for that lady who is just asking me for money ´cause I´m white, or that kid who is too pushy and whiny in selling me a pack of gum, that man who is caked in the filth of a third world street. Even worse is when I give without even looking them in the eye, not even acknowledging them as living human beings who experience pain and love.
Here´s to us pushing past our own selfishness. Here´s to allowing the Spirit to bring the kingdom of God to our hearts and us becoming the helpers who get to bring it to God´s people...and not waiting until we are holy enough to carry out the work of a perfect Creator. Here´s to finding holiness in our dirty hands reaching out to another´s.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Lima, te quiero mucho
I am sitting in a McDonald´s in Lima. That´s right. For the first time in over a year and a half, I just devoured a Big Mac with 2 sides of pickles(which I had yet to find in Perú), fries and a lovely Coca-cola. I don´t know what kind of addictive substance they add to the Big Mac to make is so delicious, but I know some sort of trigger went off in my brain after tasting the first bite. ¨Aw yes, there it is!¨ We´re in Lima for our mid-service medical checks and dental exams. This is the first time in a long time that I´ve left the dentist with nothing more than a cleaning! Who knew all you had to do was floss regularly? (Answer: Every dentist I´ve ever been to who has looked at my teeth before.) I don´t know why it took so long for me to pick up that little habit. But I decided to celebrate my clean bill of health (so far so good) and my cleaner teeth with some junk food and a big soda.
I´ve got one more year of service, and it should go by relatively fast. I´m a bit nervous about Bulla leaving, but she´s got some big plans to do whale research in a lab in Olympia, Washington. Keep your fingers crossed that her interview goes well next week. I think she´s got the intership in the bag. I hope she goes to Alaska next year, too.
I finished Project Ironman/Ironwoman with my kids last week. We went to the beach at Pimentel. 13 of my 44 kids completed all the components: diaries, reading ¨The Diary of Anne Frank¨, running a 5K, doing tons of push-ups and sit-ups, going to a list of youth development classes, a doing good works. They´ve learned about self-esteem, leadership, abstinence, fidelity, condom-use, healthy dating, caring for the environment, how to start a small business, the process of going to collegeor a technical school, and so much more. I´m so very proud of them. What a journey it has been, and I can´t wait to make the program more sustainable and successful next year! The program is being recognized by Peace Corps Perú, and will hopefully be replicated by more volunteers in the future. Carolyn and I worked so very hard at creat the program, and it would be amazing to see more and more volunteers take it on.
The ¨Ama Tu Perú¨ campaign is going well. I´m hoping to get the 2 billboards made, though I´m nervous about not getting a response yet from my email to the Passion Fruit company that is paying for the billboards. We had 2 students win the competition and they have been informed, so I´m gonna do my best to follow the project through.
I´m so grateful to have this kind of opportunity to do real grassroots work. It´s amazing how much flexibility and freedom I have to create my own projects/programs. The Peace Corps gives us all the tools we need, but it is probably one of the few jobs in the world where you can do good in your own way. I wake up every morning and get to decide how best to use it. What a blessing this experience has been.
Next year will definitely be different. Sarah Bulla won´t be here, and neither will Carolyn. Carol is headed to Lima to lead the environment program next year. I´m excited for her, and have realized how much I love Lima. For me, Lima means food, food, food. So much good food that I miss so much. I´m getting sushi tonight! Heck yes!
I´ve got one more year of service, and it should go by relatively fast. I´m a bit nervous about Bulla leaving, but she´s got some big plans to do whale research in a lab in Olympia, Washington. Keep your fingers crossed that her interview goes well next week. I think she´s got the intership in the bag. I hope she goes to Alaska next year, too.
I finished Project Ironman/Ironwoman with my kids last week. We went to the beach at Pimentel. 13 of my 44 kids completed all the components: diaries, reading ¨The Diary of Anne Frank¨, running a 5K, doing tons of push-ups and sit-ups, going to a list of youth development classes, a doing good works. They´ve learned about self-esteem, leadership, abstinence, fidelity, condom-use, healthy dating, caring for the environment, how to start a small business, the process of going to collegeor a technical school, and so much more. I´m so very proud of them. What a journey it has been, and I can´t wait to make the program more sustainable and successful next year! The program is being recognized by Peace Corps Perú, and will hopefully be replicated by more volunteers in the future. Carolyn and I worked so very hard at creat the program, and it would be amazing to see more and more volunteers take it on.
The ¨Ama Tu Perú¨ campaign is going well. I´m hoping to get the 2 billboards made, though I´m nervous about not getting a response yet from my email to the Passion Fruit company that is paying for the billboards. We had 2 students win the competition and they have been informed, so I´m gonna do my best to follow the project through.
I´m so grateful to have this kind of opportunity to do real grassroots work. It´s amazing how much flexibility and freedom I have to create my own projects/programs. The Peace Corps gives us all the tools we need, but it is probably one of the few jobs in the world where you can do good in your own way. I wake up every morning and get to decide how best to use it. What a blessing this experience has been.
Next year will definitely be different. Sarah Bulla won´t be here, and neither will Carolyn. Carol is headed to Lima to lead the environment program next year. I´m excited for her, and have realized how much I love Lima. For me, Lima means food, food, food. So much good food that I miss so much. I´m getting sushi tonight! Heck yes!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Courts for Kids: Anyone insterested in helping some kids get a court?
I submitted an application for this non-governmental organization called Courts for Kids that pays for ball courts constructed by school groups, service clubs, church groups, sports teams, sorority and frat groups, adult groups, etc who raise money and go to Perú to build them in rural communities.
My community, Corral de Arena, has applied. We just got word that our application is good, however, there is a waiting list of like 26 courts before mine. So the likelihood that we would have a group come before my Peace Corps service ends in November 2012 is not very high. Do any of you have an interest (or know anyone who might) to use a group of 12 people or more to raise funds to build a cement soccer court and come to Perú to make it while staying in my community?
If so, check out this website and get back to me. http://www.courtsforkids.org/ I would like to find a group of people while I am in the States for Christmas. I think the project itself is gonna cost around 35 thousand dollars and I don´t know yet about trasportation costs, but will be updating this blog post accordingly.
If not, don´t worry. I will have other projects (like books, clothes and educational toys) I will be asking for help to finance in the future as well.
My community, Corral de Arena, has applied. We just got word that our application is good, however, there is a waiting list of like 26 courts before mine. So the likelihood that we would have a group come before my Peace Corps service ends in November 2012 is not very high. Do any of you have an interest (or know anyone who might) to use a group of 12 people or more to raise funds to build a cement soccer court and come to Perú to make it while staying in my community?
If so, check out this website and get back to me. http://www.courtsforkids.org/ I would like to find a group of people while I am in the States for Christmas. I think the project itself is gonna cost around 35 thousand dollars and I don´t know yet about trasportation costs, but will be updating this blog post accordingly.
If not, don´t worry. I will have other projects (like books, clothes and educational toys) I will be asking for help to finance in the future as well.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Unstoppable Wave (One more year of Peace Corps to go.)
This week, Perú 16 is celebrating our one year anniversary of Peace Corps service. That means I have been in my community about 9 months. Thinking about all that I hoped to accomplish by the end of my 2 years is a bit daunting….When will I ever find the time? And where are all those people I thought would be eager to jump into projects with me? Why are most of the people I still consider good friends in Perú actually fellow volunteers rather than Peruvians? There have been a lot of accomplishments in this short time, many of which have to do with working in the school and our two radio programs. But there is this poster in my room with a list of large projects I want to see through that I don´t know how to tackle. And already I can see certain dreams have slipped away.
It is also an interesting place to be, because we volunteers of Perú 16 are getting ready to say goodbye to the group that came a year before us (Perú 14). I am beginning to wonder what I will do for work in a year. At the same time that I need to buckle down and get rolling on bigger projects, I need to begin to figure out what is next. How can I use these two years to find the perfect job back in the States (you know, those kinds of jobs that come with a salary)?
I have dreamed since I was 16 about going to seminary, and that is still very far away. But I am wondering how the heck I would come up with 80 grand to pay for that, not to mention the 30 grand I already have to pay back for the bachelor degree I paid for with student loans. Yikes. And what would my ragamuffin ministry look like anyway? Do I really have anything to offer the Christian community in terms of leadership and a message?
And with all of these questions and possible moments for me to screw up God´s big plan, I keep coming back to this moment I had at the beach in Lima in March. I had just really put myself in a vulnerable position, telling someone that I really, really cared for them. And the feelings at the time weren´t returned. I felt embarrassed for having been so open, hoping I hadn´t ruined a friendship. I was disappointed in myself for not waiting on God´s signal, like I had jumped the gun. I wanted to be so much more disciplined, waiting for some waterfall or sign in the sky first. So I was fretting about having said how I felt. At the same time, I really thought this person was missing out on something that could be beautiful and I didn´t understand why they didn´t see what I saw.
I woke up and went for a run with all of these thoughts rotating within my head. I wanted to run ´til I didn´t feel upset anymore. So I ran from my hostel down the road and down the hill to the beach. Winded and down on myself, I came to this rocky pathway out into the ocean. And I walked out with so many frustrations, disappointments and apologies that I kept expressing intensely in my prayers. ¨I am sorry God. I am sorry for not waiting on You to give me some extravagant signal. I am sorry I am not more disciplined…¨ And at that moment, this wave crashed so incredibly hard against the rocks beside me that it shook and jumbled every thought I had been stressing over. And I heard God say very forcefully to me, ¨you underestimate me¨.
I realized that I was giving myself way too much credit - that I could actually screw up God´s grand plan. And I sat there for a long time just listening to God comfort me, telling it to me over and over again. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. This God that not only made the waves that I couldn´t stop with all my force, if I willed it with all my heart and soul, made every being, this Earth, the Universe. And little Terrace won´t be able to get in the way of that. How comforting that was then, and still is today with all of these uncertainties and pressures.
I´m ready and I´m listening. I am bound to mess something up. But I take comfort in knowing that God will move me and shape me. We´ll mess it up. But we´ve been chosen all the same. God moves and works within us like an unstoppable wave.
It is also an interesting place to be, because we volunteers of Perú 16 are getting ready to say goodbye to the group that came a year before us (Perú 14). I am beginning to wonder what I will do for work in a year. At the same time that I need to buckle down and get rolling on bigger projects, I need to begin to figure out what is next. How can I use these two years to find the perfect job back in the States (you know, those kinds of jobs that come with a salary)?
I have dreamed since I was 16 about going to seminary, and that is still very far away. But I am wondering how the heck I would come up with 80 grand to pay for that, not to mention the 30 grand I already have to pay back for the bachelor degree I paid for with student loans. Yikes. And what would my ragamuffin ministry look like anyway? Do I really have anything to offer the Christian community in terms of leadership and a message?
And with all of these questions and possible moments for me to screw up God´s big plan, I keep coming back to this moment I had at the beach in Lima in March. I had just really put myself in a vulnerable position, telling someone that I really, really cared for them. And the feelings at the time weren´t returned. I felt embarrassed for having been so open, hoping I hadn´t ruined a friendship. I was disappointed in myself for not waiting on God´s signal, like I had jumped the gun. I wanted to be so much more disciplined, waiting for some waterfall or sign in the sky first. So I was fretting about having said how I felt. At the same time, I really thought this person was missing out on something that could be beautiful and I didn´t understand why they didn´t see what I saw.
I woke up and went for a run with all of these thoughts rotating within my head. I wanted to run ´til I didn´t feel upset anymore. So I ran from my hostel down the road and down the hill to the beach. Winded and down on myself, I came to this rocky pathway out into the ocean. And I walked out with so many frustrations, disappointments and apologies that I kept expressing intensely in my prayers. ¨I am sorry God. I am sorry for not waiting on You to give me some extravagant signal. I am sorry I am not more disciplined…¨ And at that moment, this wave crashed so incredibly hard against the rocks beside me that it shook and jumbled every thought I had been stressing over. And I heard God say very forcefully to me, ¨you underestimate me¨.
I realized that I was giving myself way too much credit - that I could actually screw up God´s grand plan. And I sat there for a long time just listening to God comfort me, telling it to me over and over again. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. You underestimate me. This God that not only made the waves that I couldn´t stop with all my force, if I willed it with all my heart and soul, made every being, this Earth, the Universe. And little Terrace won´t be able to get in the way of that. How comforting that was then, and still is today with all of these uncertainties and pressures.
I´m ready and I´m listening. I am bound to mess something up. But I take comfort in knowing that God will move me and shape me. We´ll mess it up. But we´ve been chosen all the same. God moves and works within us like an unstoppable wave.
Monday, August 15, 2011
if you´ve been thinking about sending me something
Please forgive this kinda selfish blog entry/wish list. I know there are many people who have been wondering what kinds of things I could use if they sent something. So here is an answer for those of you who read the blog:
Ok, faithful readers, I have a little request for those who might have a good Christian book laying around the house. I´m running low on Christian commentary or devotion-type reading material. Volunteers are really great about swapping books, but this is a subject area that is lacking. So, if there were any of you planning to send me something at some point anyway, know that I would love to get my hands on something thought-provoking related to the big JC. I´m also lacking in the Christian music department, don´t really know what new stuff has been coming out lately. Sweet mixed cd? Maybe I could send you a bracelet or necklace made from one of our local Peruvian hippies.
I also want to know what people are reading right now in terms of Chrisian writers. What have you been reading?
If you don´t have any Christian books and want to send something, you can never go wrong with food, coffee or spices from the U.S. Nuts, chili/soup mixes, beef jerky, seasoned salt.
Terrace Hill--Cuerpo de Paz
Casilla Postal 208
Oficina Serpost S.A.
Chiclayo, Peru
Things are going pretty well with work. School has started back from break today, and I hope to teach a lot of classes the next two weeks to catch up on lost time. We still have the two radio shows in Olmos, but we´re changing the AM station to be an informal show called ¨Cafe con Las Chicas¨ aka ¨Coffee with the Girls¨. Caroline and I won a little bit of grant money to buy books and pay for kids of project Ironman/Ironwoman to go on a trip at the end of the school year if they complete the program. Yay!!!!
Environmental volunteers from Perú 14 are wrapping up their last few months before heading back to the States. I´m going to miss them. Caroline will be sticking around and working in Lima, leading all the environment volunteers. I´m so excited to be going home for Christmas. So plan to be in Lubbock, Texas between December 23rd and January 2nd if possible.
Ok, faithful readers, I have a little request for those who might have a good Christian book laying around the house. I´m running low on Christian commentary or devotion-type reading material. Volunteers are really great about swapping books, but this is a subject area that is lacking. So, if there were any of you planning to send me something at some point anyway, know that I would love to get my hands on something thought-provoking related to the big JC. I´m also lacking in the Christian music department, don´t really know what new stuff has been coming out lately. Sweet mixed cd? Maybe I could send you a bracelet or necklace made from one of our local Peruvian hippies.
I also want to know what people are reading right now in terms of Chrisian writers. What have you been reading?
If you don´t have any Christian books and want to send something, you can never go wrong with food, coffee or spices from the U.S. Nuts, chili/soup mixes, beef jerky, seasoned salt.
Terrace Hill--Cuerpo de Paz
Casilla Postal 208
Oficina Serpost S.A.
Chiclayo, Peru
Things are going pretty well with work. School has started back from break today, and I hope to teach a lot of classes the next two weeks to catch up on lost time. We still have the two radio shows in Olmos, but we´re changing the AM station to be an informal show called ¨Cafe con Las Chicas¨ aka ¨Coffee with the Girls¨. Caroline and I won a little bit of grant money to buy books and pay for kids of project Ironman/Ironwoman to go on a trip at the end of the school year if they complete the program. Yay!!!!
Environmental volunteers from Perú 14 are wrapping up their last few months before heading back to the States. I´m going to miss them. Caroline will be sticking around and working in Lima, leading all the environment volunteers. I´m so excited to be going home for Christmas. So plan to be in Lubbock, Texas between December 23rd and January 2nd if possible.
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